How to write vows that don't sound like a Hallmark card

Most people freeze the moment they sit down to write their vows. The pressure! The blank page! The fear of standing in front of everyone you love and accidentally sounding like a greetings card from a service station! Take a breath. I've helped hundreds of people write vows and I promise you, it's much easier than you think if you stop trying to write Vows with a capital V and just write the truth.

Step one: start with a list, not a poem. Open the notes app on your phone right now and start dumping. The moment you knew. The thing they do that drives you mad but you'd genuinely miss if it stopped. What your life looked like before them. What it looks like now. The smallest, daftest, most specific things. Don't edit. Don't tidy. Just dump it all out over a week or two whenever something comes to mind.

Step two: read back your dump and circle the bits that feel TRUE. Not pretty. Not poetic. True. The line that lands hardest in any vow is always the one that makes your partner go "oh god, that's so us." Specificity is the secret. "You always check the back door is locked twice" beats "you make me feel safe" every single time.

Step three: promise specific things. This is where most vows go floppy. "I promise to always love you" is lovely but it's also what everyone says. Try: "I promise to always let you have the last roast potato." "I promise to keep pretending your dad's jokes are funny." "I promise to never wake you up before 8am on a Saturday unless the house is on fire." Specific is romantic. Specific is memorable. Specific is the bit your guests will quote back to you for years.

Step four: structure it lightly. A simple shape that always works - a short opening (who they are to you), a middle (a story, a moment, the thing that made you sure), and the promises (three to five, no more). Aim for around 250 to 400 words. Anything longer and you'll lose the room; anything shorter and it can feel rushed.

Step five: read it OUT LOUD before the day. This is the one most people skip and it's the most important step. If you stumble on a sentence, rewrite it. If it doesn't sound like you actually talking, rewrite it. Your vows should sound like you on a Sunday morning telling your best mate why you love this person, not like a Victorian poet on deadline.

Quick rules to live by: agree on a rough length with your partner so one of you isn't reading War and Peace while the other has three lines. Don't share them in advance unless you want to (the surprise is half the magic). Print them on nice card, not your phone - phones die, batteries betray you, and the photos are better. And finally, a small in-joke or one funny line gives everyone permission to laugh and breathe, which makes the serious bits hit even harder.

If you're working with me, I'll send you a vow-writing prompt sheet about a month before the wedding and I'll happily read drafts and give honest feedback. You don't have to do this bit alone.